


Why can't I...?

by clearpurity2



Series: One Step At a Time [5]
Category: Senki Zesshou Symphogear
Genre: Gen, Miku and her parents too but yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:48:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27493735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clearpurity2/pseuds/clearpurity2
Summary: Questioning yourself over and over can get tiring.Are you merely being too hard on yourself or do your thoughts carry actual concerns?
Series: One Step At a Time [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2077500
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	Why can't I...?

What triggers anger?

Has it always been pent up from within, waiting for the right notion to spill out?Does it grow and fester due to past struggles?

She’s seen it from everyone.

Tsubasa’s anger towards her due to the pain she was going through from losing Kanade. No way would she ever hold that against her, especially considering how sudden Hibiki and Gungnir came into her life.

Chris was always a firecracker, expressing her anger through physical contact most of the time. But Hibiki could never imagine going through what she has so...her anger was justified, regardless of how she expressed it.

Shirabe apologized for her about it already, and Hibiki found no issues about it, but her anger directed towards her when they first met had to be justified as well. Offering to help people triggered something within Shirabe, perhaps because no one had helped them back then, so she was rightfully angry as well.

Surely Maria and Kirika were just as angry, given they went through the same struggles that Shirabe faced.

Miku is normally the one that gets angry for her...or at least sets her on the right path sometimes. Her sudden anger at the karaoke bar? It allowed her to see what she was doing was wrong, even with good intentions. And considering how Miku has put up so much over years and years of struggle, years of guilt while Hibiki went out to fight, it was natural for it to build.

Even once she found out about her having a Gear in the first place and being mad was understandable. It was a cover for her fear.

Why would she blame them for any of that?

Why would she blame them at all?

_‘But what about me? Do I have...a justification?’_

\----

It’s been quite a while since Hibiki got to hang out with Miku’s family. It was nice, really. Her own family was still...a thing but she left that alone to spend time with the Kohinata’s instead. They didn’t ask her a single question about her family either, much to Hibiki’s pleasure. It reminded her of the times she used to spend over their house, just to get away. Just to have a break.

They talked, they played games, they teased; it was nice.

“Hibiki-chan?”  
“E-Eh?”

With a few blink of her eyes to clear her sight, Hibiki looked up to see Mr. Kohinata holding a tray of drink in her direction.

“Brought some water while they finish up in the kitchen.”

“Oh! Ah, thanks, I appreciate it.”

With a smile and chuckle, Hibiki carefully took the cup, taking a sip as he placed the tray on the table and sat across from her.

“You seem tired. You okay?”

Hibiki quickly swallowed her water, clearing her throat.

“Yeah, I’m good! I think all the excitement I had with you guys was a bit more than I thought, hehe. Feels like I haven’t spoken to either of you in forever!”

The man smiled.  
“I’m glad to hear.”

There was silence from then on but they didn’t have to wait long. Miku and her mother walked into the room with smiles on their lips, holding out a plate.

“Cookies are done!”  
Miku proudly proclaimed, placing them down on the table as well before sitting herself right next to Hibiki while her mother sat beside her father.

“So, your mom finally let you in the kitchen?”

Hibiki grinned, reaching over to grab and take a bite into one of the cookies while Miku glared at Hibiki.

“I’ve gotten better! We’ve been practicing together, you know this! Besides...”  
Miku folded her arms with a pout.

“...not like you’re good at cooking yourself.” She muttered. It only made Hibiki laugh, reaching for her cup of water again.

“You’re both cooking together?”

Miku’s mother spoke up this time, watching them with a smile of her own.

“So how’s your dating going?”

Hibiki coughed into her cup, water spilling on the lower half of her face and down her chin as she tried to place the cup back on the table as she continued coughing.

“Mom...”  
Miku mumbled, patting Hibiki on the back and using a napkin to wipe her face.

“See? You already have it down! You two are so cute!” The woman continued to tease while her father laughed.

“No need to make things awkward.” He responded.

Once Hibiki got her coughing fit under control, she cleared her throat and gave Miku a pat on her hand to signify that she was okay. Really, such a statement shouldn’t even be surprising; they’ve gone through this even with her mom and grandmother.

Did they just happen to see more than they did all this time? Then again, it was really Hibiki that was slow, no one else.

“I really mean it though.”  
Mrs. Kohinata spoke again.

“I am proud of you two. I know not everyone will be happy or support it, but know that we do. And if you ever need anything, you’re welcome here.”

Hibiki knew this, knew that there would be opposition, knew she was always welcomed as well. Yet something about hearing them say it to her face filled her with renewed gratitude.

“I’m thankful to have someone like Miku in my life, which also extends to you two! I won’t let you down, hehe.”  
She let out an awkward laugh but felt Miku holding onto her hand, both of them exchanging a brief reassuring squeeze.

“We know you won’t.” Her father spoke up this time, giving them both a smile before giving the table a few brief taps with his hand.

“But with that in mind, let’s continue! Don’t worry about it all for now. Came here for fun, right?”

“Yes, we did. So no teasing.” Miku added, staring directly at her parents. They gave her almost what looked like a teasing grin in return but didn’t say anything in response to it. Instead, from then on, they continued with their fun.

All Hibiki could think about was how nice the whole experience turned out to be. She didn’t expect any less but it was nice to even see Miku having a great time. Her happiness, considering all they’ve been through that even her parents don’t know about, was top priority.

Hibiki watched them all with a smile.

_‘I am...truly lucky to have them.’_

She didn’t know how many hours passed. The sun had already set, and Hibiki figured it would be best to head out.

“You sure you don’t want me to walk with you there?”

Miku asked, helping Hibiki with her coat.

“You stay with your parents, I’m fine! Besides, it’s not completely dark yet. I just wanted to leave and make sure I caught the next train out before it got too late.”

“Yeah, but...

Hibiki quickly took hold of Miku’s hands, leaning forward to give the girl a quick kiss on her cheek before backing away.

“It’s been a while since you’ve spent time with your parents, right? You looked like you were having so much fun, and I know we were together but I don’t want you to stop just because I’m heading out.”

Miku was in frequent contact with her parents, that was never an issue, but she’s been spending time with the rest of them a lot lately. Hibiki wasn’t sure on her reasons, and she didn’t ask her because it was nice to see Miku spending time with the others besides herself. And this moment wasn’t any different; she wanted Miku to now spend that time with her family.

Miku seemed embarrassed from the public display, but Hibiki didn’t flinch this time. They’ve shared forehead kisses, cheek kisses, and even hand kissing. Well, only Miku did that once when Hibiki hurt her knuckles so maybe that’s not the same thing but it was enough to embarrass Hibiki.

Main point was, they’ve done harmless ones like that but nothing more...dangerous. Cheek was the closest one so maybe it always ended up flustering one or the other. Clearing her throat, Hibiki chuckled.

“Enjoy yourself, okay? I’ll call you once I get on the train, or at the train stop if that makes you feel better! Then we can talk to each other until it arrives or the whole ride.”  
Though talking the whole way would defeat the purpose of her leaving.

Miku hesitated a bit more before sighing and nodding.

“Okay, okay. Go ahead, but make sure you call me immediately. Now hurry up!”

Hibiki laughed as Miku began to usher her out the house.

“You didn’t want me to go but now you’re pushing me out?”  
“B-Be quiet! Be careful and call me!”

Was she still embarrassed? It only made Hibiki laugh harder but once Miku stopped pushing her, she straightened her jacket again and gave her a wink.

“Thanks for the time, I had fun! Keep having it for me!”

“...I will. But after today, you can always come over and stay the night too. Don’t forget.”

“I know. Thanks again.”

Hibiki waved as she began to jog off, Miku returning the gesture back to her. And once she was a good enough distance, Hibiki slowed down and sighed.

Her initial plans were to stop at her own house to get a few sewing materials from her grandmother. She taught her a few tricks from their last talk but Hibiki didn’t have the necessary tools to implement them. It would be quick and harmless, but something stopped her from walking into the house.

She was a good ways away from it, staring at the outside of her house.

It used to be adorned with messages, threats and slanders. But now? It actually looked like a normal house, causing Hibiki to smile. Her family was far from normal, especially after everything that happened, but they were working to get better. Even if they would stay split, she was happy.

Hibiki turned away from the house, beginning to make her way towards the train station before suddenly stopping. There were voices, which wouldn’t be an issue normally given that this was a town with other people after all, but they were hushed.

Was someone whispering? Hibiki looked around, eventually taking note of a few people standing near an alley. Without a second thought, she immediately walked in their direction.

“Hey, everything okay over here?”

The person must not have expected her sudden appearance, the girl stepping to the side to turn in her direction, allowing Hibiki to notice a young boy lying on the ground.

Obvious injuries adorned his body from cuts and even bruises. He was still conscious when she knelt down, placing her hand on his head before glancing back at the stranger.

“What happened? Did you two need help?”  
“U-Uh...”

The girl stuttered, looking between Hibiki and the boy. She didn’t seem hurt, and even if the boy wasn’t hurt severely, it was best to get him help. As Hibiki awkwardly tried to help the boy up, another pair of feet came into view.

“You’re still here? You should have left him!”

A boisterous female voice exclaimed, Hibiki glancing up to see her and a few other people glaring at the timid girl behind her.

“I-I know, but...we couldn’t leave him—“  
“Of course you could! We did with ease, so why can’t you? Use your legs and move, doesn’t sound hard to me. Not like he’s dying or anything.”

The girl sent her glare Hibiki’s way now.

“But now you got someone else involved...”  
She sighed.

“...you did this?”

“Yeah, and?”

She didn’t hesitate in her answer. Hibiki clenched her teeth but quickly focused back on the boy to help him. The girl didn’t say anything but soon enough she heard a laugh.

“Wait a minute, aren’t you...that Tachibana girl?”

Hibiki stopped moving, looking back over at the girl.

“Ha, it is! Saki, you know who this is right?”

She seemed to be referring to the timid girl, who only shook her head in silence.

“Oh come on, you know! It’s been a few years but who could ever forget? Man, those days were something.”

The girl almost looked pleased thinking back to it all...which only made Hibiki realize who this was.

Her name escaped her but...

“I nearly forgot all about you. It was nice without you around. Thought I did a good enough job in driving you out but guess not.”

...she started it all. The one that yelled at her first, the first to make accusations, the first to physically torment her, the first to call her a murderer...

Hibiki bit the inside of her cheek, an uncomfortable emotion rising within her chest, but she fought to bite it down. Her mind had to stay focused on helping the boy; that’s all that mattered.

“She’s still acting the same too. Not saying a word back, letting people run over her, I swear she liked it! Why wouldn’t she stand up for herself?”

This girl kept talking as if she wasn’t there while the one named Saki was silent as well. In fact, she looked uncomfortable with the whole topic. Was she a victim too?

“D-Don’t worry...”  
The boy finally spoke, attempting to move away from her.  
“...I’m fine. Just sore...”

“Eh? But we should still get you some—“  
“Leave me alone!”

He suddenly shoved her away, Hibiki losing her grip on him, and he took that chance to run off.

“Good riddance.” The girl spoke, letting out another sigh.  
“He’s so weird and annoying, he was getting on my nerves. Always so righteous...just like you.”

Hibiki stares off in the direction the boy ran off before glaring back at the girl.

“Every time I see your face, I swear—“

“It’s not healthy to hold grudges.”

Hibiki interrupted her immediately, never taking her eyes off her.

“...it’s sad that you’ve held onto this for so long...and then even tormenting other people? It doesn’t make you feel better...it doesn’t make you a better person. We all should be coming together and work out our differences.”

The girl scoffed.  
“How easy for you to say.”

As painful as it was, Hibiki was ready and willing to forgive her. Truthfully, that’s the only way she could move on; forgiveness. She’s found friends that love and support her, despite the rocky starts.

Everything they went through, everything they experienced, led them to each other. And if it wasn’t for that concert, she wouldn’t be where she is today. Hibiki was content with that...and she was able to reassure Miku with it as well.

“I know what’s missing now...” The girl spoke again, filling the silence.

“...Kohinata-san isn’t glued to your hip. Did she finally dump you?”

“What?”

“I remember how adamant she was about protecting you, even throwing us dirty looks when you weren’t looking. But she looked so miserable being around you, don’t know why she didn’t leave sooner.”

The girl sighed, shaking her head.

“She was so stupid. Probably manipulated and abused by you—“

Hibiki shoved the girl against the wall, holding her there with her forearm against her neck...but the girl grinned.

“...finally hit a nerve? Guess you’re not as righteous as you seem...so tell me...did she actually leave you? Did she get...tired, eventually hating you like the rest of us? I bet she would fit in now...”

Hibiki increased the pressure on her neck, making the girl cough but did it matter? Hardly.

“I-I’ve heard the stories...” The girl choked out. “...d-did you do this to her too? Sounds like...it runs in the family...”

Hibiki knew how foolish these accusations were, she knew it was only to get under her skin, but it angered her. It didn’t matter if their words were only directed towards her, it didn’t matter if they shoved her down stairs or belittled her or even blacklisted her out of town. But the idea of them assuming how Miku feels, assuming she would leave her or even accuse that she was being mistreated riled her immediately.

“You don’t know...anything about her or me! Don’t you _dare_ assume anything about her!”

“Haha...” The girl chuckled. “...why so angry? G-Guess you do fit those accusations...”

Angry?

That’s right, it wasn’t too long ago that she failed to understand Miku and her feelings. For years she ignored her, even if it was by accident. Maybe that made it worse. They talked this over a multitude of times, serious and teasing, that reassured Hibiki that it was okay.

_‘But does that fully excuse me?’_

“...you didn’t deserve her...I did...”

Hibiki removed her arm from her neck, instead grabbing the girl’s shirt to hold her that way, the fist forming in her free hand rising towards her face. She didn’t make contact, but the girl still had that same grin plastered on her face.

“Oh, you’d actually hit me? Haha, that would be great to see...! Please, prove me wrong...”

Was this a form of jealousy? She felt that with Chris and Miku but that’s different...right? She never felt the need to put her hands on anyone...so why was she doing it now?

Because of anger.

Yet another feeling she didn’t deserve to feel. She had her life, she had her friends, she had Miku so...what was the point?

“...got cold feet?” The girl’s voice brought her back to reality. Hibiki gripped her shirt tightly before shoving the girl away, letting go of her in the process. Saki went over towards her to help her stand up straight, maybe checking her neck to see if she had any marks, but the girl only seemed worried about her clothes.

“Whatever, disappointing. Knew you didn’t have it in you...still a pushover. Come on, Saki. Let’s go.”

“Um...”  
Saki looked between them but Hibiki avoided eye contact with her. If she had anything to say she must have decided it wasn’t important. They both left without so much of another word but it was better that way. Hibiki allowed to let the silence to settle, looking down at her hands.

Using her fists in fighting was nothing new, and she didn’t doubt that everything Miku said about them were true. She could still reach out to people with them, she made a lot of close friends with them as well...yet the idea of using them on her made her nauseous.

She had no right to get mad, her life was better now, she was better.

That didn’t make it go away though. She clenched her hands into fists again, soon turning them against the wall instead.

What triggered her berserk anger from before? Watching Chris die? Seeing how Fine’ belittled her dream?

Shirabe’s words? How this world has treated her only for her to bow down and say she didn’t deserve to feel this way? Chris did say she had ‘fake ass cheer’ in her words exactly.

“Why can’t I be mad...why can’t I be mad...!?”

Each time she asked was another hit against the wall.

No one would give her the answer. She couldn’t provide one either.

Was she afraid of being seen as a bad person? Why did anyone’s judgement of her matter? She didn’t hold it against them for being angry, so why hold it against herself?

_‘It could have been worse, right? It always could have been. What they did to me wasn’t that bad.’_

It made her think of the struggles that everyone went through, even the people they fought against. Carol was angry at the world for how it treated her father and her that she was ready to erase everyone. Hibiki could say it was wrong of her to do that but deep down she knew...that if she ended up losing someone important in her life, she would lose herself in that anger too.

It was Carol that pushed her to be honest about her feelings during the fight with Shem-Ha. But what would she say now? What would be her thoughts?

Maybe it would be entertaining for someone to see her like this.

Hibiki has seen the ugly in people, even her own family...but getting angry didn’t solve anything as far as she knew. No, she forced that role onto Miku.

Miku was the one that normally got mad for her, which added more stress onto her considering she felt guilty anyway.

Maybe Hibiki should have gotten mad, after all people already assumed who she was as a person just for living, and it could have lessened Miku’s burden. But would that have driven Miku away and then she would have been truly alone?

_‘Wouldn’t I have a right? Why would I have to worry about holding up this picture when no one else does? I-I’m not perfect..!’_

Her hands were stinging but it was numbing considering how fast her mind was racing.

_‘They deserves it though. Just like how they treated me, they deserve to see my anger, they deserve what’s coming to them! I put up with it for years, not once raising my voice or hands! Me being angry doesn’t mean I’m any less good! It doesn’t mean...that I’m...like...’_

By the time she stopped, her knuckles were red and peeling, no doubt leaving bruises behind. Hibiki stared at her hands again, her sight being blurred by tears.

“...why can’t I be mad...?”

She gently placed her forehead on the cool concrete.

Her past berserk phases, her knuckles, even her snapping at Maria, Kirika and Shirabe back then was proof that she had it...but she always wondered why.

Hibiki knew it was always there but suppressed it.

Why?

She hated that side of herself, and she’d rather not let anyone see it...not even herself.

**Author's Note:**

> I keep mentioning things from my previous fics aha. But! If you read this, thank you for doing so!
> 
> I have a legit curiosity of exploring and focusing on Hibiki's much more...complicated qualities or emotions and I always want to treat them correctly and with respect. It's partially a reason why I don't post thoughts about it much in public but thought I'd keep trying! After all, my previous fics have been slightly Hibiki centered on this topic.
> 
> Also, I like to think Miku has very supportive parents.
> 
> But anyway, again, thank you for reading!


End file.
